Navigating Boundaries with Extended Family During the Holidays
The holidays can be a beautiful time filled with love, laughter, and connection. But for many neurodivergent families, they can also be overwhelming. I remember one holiday season when we were invited to my in-laws’ house for an all-day event. It started with excitement but quickly spiraled into sensory overload for my daughter and myself. Between the loud conversations, the constant hugs, and the expectation to stay for hours on end, it became clear that we needed to set boundaries.
Setting boundaries during the holidays can feel daunting, especially when you’re trying to honor traditions and meet family expectations. But for neurodivergent families, boundaries are essential for emotional well-being and creating a peaceful environment.
Why Boundaries Matter for Neurodivergent Families During the Holidays
The sensory overload, social expectations, and long gatherings common during holiday events can be challenging for neurodivergent individuals. Whether it’s the noise level, unplanned interactions, or the pressure to conform to traditions, these environments can trigger anxiety, meltdowns, or emotional exhaustion. For families like ours, setting clear boundaries is not just a preference—it’s a necessity.
Boundaries protect your family’s mental and emotional well-being, allowing you to participate in the celebrations in a way that feels comfortable and sustainable. They can also help prevent burnout and ensure that your neurodivergent needs are respected, even in the midst of holiday chaos.
How to Communicate Boundaries Clearly and Respectfully
Setting boundaries with extended family members can feel uncomfortable, especially if they don’t fully understand neurodivergence. However, clear and respectful communication is key to ensuring that everyone’s needs are met. Here are a few strategies to help you communicate your boundaries effectively:
- Be Honest About Your Needs
When talking to family members, be honest about what your family needs during the holiday season. Explain how certain situations, like loud environments or long gatherings, can be overwhelming. Use “I” statements to express your feelings, such as, “I feel overwhelmed when gatherings are too long, and we need to limit our time to prevent burnout.” - Be Clear and Specific
Instead of vague requests, be specific about the boundaries you’re setting. For example, if you need to limit the time spent at a holiday gathering, say, “We’ll be attending from 12 PM to 3 PM and then heading home for some quiet time.” This helps set clear expectations for both you and your family members. - Offer Alternatives
Sometimes, family members may not fully understand your needs but are open to alternatives. For example, if attending a large family gathering feels overwhelming, suggest a smaller, quieter get-together later in the week. Offering alternatives shows that you still want to participate in the holiday celebrations, just in a way that works for your family. - Stay Firm, But Kind
While it’s important to be compassionate when setting boundaries, it’s equally important to stay firm. You know what’s best for your family, and sometimes that means standing by your decisions even if others don’t fully understand. Remember, boundaries are about maintaining your well-being, not about pleasing others.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries During the Holidays
Setting boundaries looks different for every family, but here are some examples that might resonate with you:
- Limiting the Length of Visits
Holiday gatherings can be long, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay for the entire event. Set a time limit for how long your family will attend, and communicate it clearly in advance. For example, “We’ll come for lunch but will need to leave by 3 PM to avoid sensory overload.” - Creating Quiet Spaces
If you’re hosting or attending a gathering, designate a quiet space where you or your child can retreat if things become too overwhelming. This could be a bedroom with dim lighting or a cozy corner with noise-canceling headphones. Let family members know that this space is essential for your well-being. - Declining Unwanted Traditions
Not every family tradition will work for your neurodivergent family. Whether it’s a chaotic gift exchange or a loud game night, it’s okay to opt out of certain activities that cause stress. You can say something like, “We’ll join for dinner, but we’ll skip the gift exchange this year.” - Managing Physical Contact
Physical touch can be overwhelming for some neurodivergent individuals. If your family members are big on hugs and close physical interaction, communicate your comfort level beforehand. You might say, “Our family prefers to wave or give high-fives instead of hugs.” - Prioritizing Down Time
The holiday season can be packed with events, but it’s crucial to prioritize downtime for recovery. Schedule in quiet, relaxing days between family gatherings to give everyone a chance to recharge. Make sure family members know you may not be available for every event, and that it’s important for your family to have that space.
Prioritizing Your Family’s Needs
At the end of the day, your family’s well-being comes first. The holidays are meant to be enjoyed, but they shouldn’t come at the expense of your mental or emotional health. By setting clear boundaries, you’re not only protecting your family’s needs—you’re also modeling healthy boundary-setting for your children, teaching them that it’s okay to prioritize their well-being.
As you navigate the holidays, remember that it’s okay to say “no” to things that don’t serve your family. It’s okay to leave early, opt out of certain activities, or even skip events altogether if that’s what’s best for you. The goal is to create a holiday experience that feels joyful and sustainable, not overwhelming and stressful.
Conclusion: Share Your Boundary-Setting Experiences
How have you navigated setting boundaries with extended family during the holidays? I encourage you to share your experiences in the comments below. Let’s support each other in creating a peaceful and balanced holiday season that honors our neurodivergent needs.
And if you’re looking for more strategies to help you navigate these challenges, I invite you to download the Neurodivergent Mom’s Self-Discovery and Empowerment Toolkit. It’s filled with practical tools to help you manage emotional regulation, create sensory-friendly environments, and set healthy boundaries for yourself and your family. .
Ready to embrace your strengths as a neurodivergent mom? Download the Neurodivergent Mom’s Self-Discovery and Empowerment Toolkit and start your journey toward empowerment today.
Kori
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